Four years ago I found some blogs online reporting criticism about AA.  Inspired by the years of comments I’ve read from these blogs, plus comments I myself have gotten at The Fix, I decided to do a satire about a fictional AA member.

This “blogger” embodies all that is wrong with AA:  Lack of knowledge about current information, research or other recovery methods about addiction and alcoholism.  A strong loyalty to the AA fellowship that results in bullying (angry retorts, name calling, and threats) if someone disagrees or criticizes AA.  And, resistance to any talk of changing, improving, or otherwise making AA better if AA wanted to be.

Links’ sources are mainly from the blogs I’ve followed throughout the years:  NA Daytona, Leaving AA, The Orange Papers, and more.  Without further ado, let me introduce you to my fictional friend:
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Hi, my name is Tearesa Alcoholic.

The first three letters of my name are “T-e-a,” because I thought that sounded cute when I was 19 and high on ecstasy, so I got it legally changed.  This is my first blog, so I’ll try to keep it short, just like my leads.

I love, love, love the program and like, it’s perfect the way it is.  “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”  I’m an atheist, but I love the idea of God.  Especially a God that’s like my Dad or my Grandpa, and He watches over my sobriety and keeps me spiritually fit.  But if I drink, it’s totally my fault because I didn’t pray the right way.

I don't have daddy issues, I don't even believe in God.
I don’t have daddy issues, I don’t even believe in God.

I have God-consciousness now, I didn’t have that out there when I drank 12 packs of Bud Light and smoked pot.  I know what God thinks, but I’m not God.  But God will do anything for me, if I ask, even though I’m an atheist, because I “fake it til I make it.”

But I can make direct contact with God and sometimes God speaks to me through other AA members.  It’s like He hi-jacks your brains and takes over what you’re saying just to send me a message.  The other day, God told me to buy a scratch off lottery ticket and I won five dollars!  I knew I should do that because Becka T. at Monday nights said she goes to AA meetings in casinos in Vegas, and sometimes she gambles just to feel a buzz or a high.  (It’s ok, she’s not a gambling addict.)

I always recommend AA to others with drinking problems, if they’re open minded enough to want help from AA.  I don’t think AA is for everyone, if it’s some other meeting I wish them luck.  I don’t really know much about SMART or SOS or anything like that, I mean, they’re not AA so… I don’t want to listen to anti-AA talk about Bill Wilson doing LSD or lies in the Big Book about the wives didn’t write “To Wives,” I mean, I don’t want other people planting doubt in my head about if AA works.  ‘Cause it works for me.

I have a friend, Lulu, she’s stopped going to meetings, to do her homework and finish up school.  I wish she’d just bring her homework to a meeting.  I mean, she used to be able to drink and do homework, but that didn’t work because she was drinking even though she passed her classes.  She dropped out one semester to go to meetings and I told her she shouldn’t go back to school for at least a year, because no big changes in your first year.

Anyway, Lulu’s totally white-knuckling it, and I refuse to go to her graduation because who knows, she might serve alcohol at the celebration at this point, she’s not good AA.

I mean, I know a lot of people who are clean and sober, and don’t go to meetings, and they look happy.  They probably weren’t really alcoholics though.  I heard people say maybe people who stop meetings get real crazy frustrated when they quit meetings because they’re withdrawing from their addiction to meetings.  They should de-program.  Whatever, those people think they know everything.  They hate AA.

Ok, the program isn’t perfect. There’s this meeting where NA members are breaking the rules by smoking in a non-smoking park.  Just don’t smoke there, ok?  There’s no excuse to justify your smoking.

NBC’s Law & Order SVU did an episode on 13th stepping and I was all like, whatever, this is an anti-AA scare tactic.  All I hear about these days are child molesters and rapists and murderers in AA and NA, and I’m like, what’s your proof?  If you get 13th Stepped, it’s because you’re not going to women’s meetings, and you’re not reading the Big Book.

Rape happens anywhere, like at parties, nightclubs and dark alleys.  Not just when people are drinking, but at libraries, movie theaters, and grocery stories.  I mean, you have to protect yourself, stop waiting for others to do that for you, because AA has only one primary purpose, and it’s not protecting everyone from rapes and violence.

Go to a real meeting, and see some real sobriety, people just like me who’ve had a tough time in life, but we don’t go crying and acting like babies with this stupid paranoia that someone in AA might rape us.  Get a life!   If you want to live a happy life of peace and serenity, come to AA, because without it you’ll die the way you lived- selfish and self-centered.

Sorry, but AA doesn’t tell the courts what to do, so if you don’t like court ordered AA meetings tell it to the courts.  I’m too busy doing AA service work, like going to the courts to testify for my sponsees.

th (4)One of my sponsees relapsed, but that’s because she wasn’t working a good program.  It only works if you work it.  And I saw this guy in the courthouse who just failed a drug test, because he was going to SMART or SOS or whatever.  So my sponsor and I just laughed at him, because he didn’t have what we had.

I am so, so happy I was able to talk about AA and sobriety with all of you today, because in here, I’m safe, but out there, I know my disease is doing pushups in the parking lot.

Ciao!

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Well, enough of that.  I hope you heard something familiar in the, like, way Tearesa presented the comebacks and subtle/snide comments *some* AA members make.  It is almost as though learning the steps and attending meetings creates this kind of thinking.  I’d love to hear more in your comments below, and please click the links.  See you next time.

Juliet *Roxspin* Abram
(find me on facebook.)

Quick Reference:

Having God-conciousness.   164 & More

God will do anything for me. The Orange Papers

AA Meetings on the Vegas Strip.  (Meeting Makers Make It.) S.I. Meetings

Bill Wilson wrote “To Wives.” aabacktobasics.org

Season 15, Episode 9, Law & Order SVU “Rapists Anonymous.”  Leaving AA

AA man rapes and impregnates 14 year old.  NA Daytona

NA man brutally rapes and kidnaps woman.  NA Daytona

A personal letter from the mother of a daughter murdered by a man in AA. Stop13StepinAA blog

The 13th Step Film. the13thstepfilm.com

AA man admits he rapes woman but ‘didn’t do anything wrong.’ NA Daytona

Raped, beaten, and assaulted by man she met in AA.  NA Daytona

AA member strangles wife after being mandated to AA for domestic violence.  NA Daytona

Woman gets hate mail from AA members that she pressed charges against an AA man’s 9th step where he made amends for raping her.  NA Daytona

“AA must continue to live or most of us will surely die.”- Big Book Appendix 1, The A.A. Tradition p. 563  164 & More